1. Be disgusting. However gender politics wax and wane, women still hate that. Farting, burping and blowing your nose on your fingers haven't become attractive just because we're all feminists now. Sometimes, you can edge a girl out just by being sufficiently revolting. Why not "furtively" scratch your arse, then tenderly stroke her hair? She'll never fancy you again. The rest will follow naturally.
2. Verbal tics are always useful. Ask her casually, "Do I use the word 'cool' too often?" Then use it all the time. In every sentence. Dozens of times a day. Soon enough, she won't be able to bear another minute in your company.
3. Crowd her out. Talk over her, boss her around and refuse to be flexible. Be macho, demanding and difficult. As a bonus, you'll get loads of great sex due to your rippling manly ways. Then, one day, she'll wake up and run screaming back to her life.
4. When dining with her parents, wait until she's talking, then catch her mother's gaze and roll your eyes.
Better still, ask "Was she always like this?" and share a conspiratorial chuckle. If the mum makes a joke at her expense, roar with laughter. In the car home, say: "Your mum's great. I think we really connect." You'll be free of the relationship before the next traffic light.
5. Dance with enthusiasm when nobody else is dancing. At dinner parties, shout "Come on everyone!" and jig around the room. Be the first to hit the floor at weddings, pre-empting the bride and groom. Insist on starting a conga in the pub. It'll be cute the first time. And then it really won't be.
You'll be dancing into the horizon.
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6. Cry after sex. Even better (if you can manage it), during. Have a good old sob. The first time, she will hold you tight and murmur loving words. The second time, she'll ask nervously, "Are you all right?". The third time, you'll wake up to find her packing.
7. Be stingy. It's an astonishingly effective tack for making yourself unattractive. Buy birthday presents from the petrol station, split all dinner bills and take no more than €50 spending money on holiday. Of course, if you're short of money then this won't work; you'd simply be showing a sensible approach to finances. Undercut this by purchasing yourself expensive designer clothes and a lot of computer games. Jesus, that'll p*** her off.
8. Whatever you do, don't listen to her. When she's talking about something important, simply tune out. Respond inappropriately to show you're not paying attention: say "Hmm, that's a pity" when she's delivering great news, and "Oh good" when it's something terrible. On the phone, make sure to tap audibly at an email while she's speaking. Face to face, don't be afraid to actually wander out of the room in the middle of a conversation, as though you assume she's finished. If she's tearful, be sympathetic - while simultaneously checking your iPhone for football scores. This behaviour will soon drive her into the arms of a kinder and more attentive man, whom she doesn't fancy as much as you but likes better. Perfect.
9. If you think you can drive a woman away by being nasty to her friends, guess again. She hates her friends. The ruder you are to them, the more she'll adore you. As for making bitchy remarks about them on the way home, you may as well engrave your name on her heart in gold. She might express disapproval, even anger - but, secretly, she'll be drumming her fingers until 29 February, then hiding a ring in the soufflé. Instead, take the opposite tack. Bond excessively with the friends. Take their numbers. Send them funny emails. If she's away for the weekend, hang out with them and watch DVDs. Ring them "just to say hi". She'll tell you how delighted she is that you all get on. Then she'll dump you and tell the friends they must never speak to you again.
10. On social occasions with people she knows less well, be a bore. I don't mean be quiet: that can be rather sexy at the right time. No, speak up as often and extensively as possible. Tell dull anecdotes, recount stories about people whom nobody has met. Really hold the floor.She will soon realize that you are social death.
